Tahoe Triple: Marathon 3
I woke up @ 6:00 AM to shower. The last Marathon started at 9:00 AM which was deceiving. The two Marathons prior had started @ 6:30 AM so we were out of the house and driving to the start line before 6:00 AM. Knowing the race started later we felt we could be leisurely but we quickly realized the road was closing @ 8:00 AM which meant we had to get a move on to make it past the road closures and to the start line with time to spare.
Once again I had to start the day popping two peppermint tums in my mouth, chew them rapidly and chase them down with a bottle of water. I proceeded to climb in the hot shower to try to loosen my over worked muscles to get through one more marathon. The anxiety in my stomach was overwhelming. I kept my attention on my breath. Every time my stomach twisted into a knot I would slowly inhale and deliberately exhale and repeat this cycle until I felt the knot loosen. I would also practice my thoughts. If a thought was questionable or self destructing or self limiting I would release the thought in my exhale while telling the thought you do not serve me. I would replace the thought with a mantra. A simple mantra that said one step at a time, run the mile you are in, run for your freedom.
Climbing out of the shower and climbing into my running attire I managed a calm presence on the outside while my inside was in a full blown state of panic. I woke my friend telling her we needed to leave before the roads were closed due to the Marathon. The information provided to us via the website was convoluted and difficult to follow which led to confusion for both of us. We managed to avoid the road closures and get to the start line for the final run. The last run was the largest run with 151 Marathon runners. The line for the Porto Potty was extensive so I slipped down the road to find a secluded spot in the bushes. I am so grateful I can go to the bathroom anywhere especially nature.
With 20 minutes before the start I started my warm up routine. It was time for the runners to line up at the starting line. A man dressed in Irish garb from head to toe playing the bag pipes marched down the street toward the starting line. The music evoked appreciation for everything that surrounded me and where I was and what I was doing. The bag pipes faded and the National Anthem followed sang by a young woman standing to the side of the starting line in front of Lake Tahoe with the sunshine as her spotlight. Finally the director of the weekend lifted his rifle and shot it in the air and all of the runners were off.
The first mile the runners are settling into an even warm up pace and tightly packed together. The following mile separates those that will lead the pack and those that will follow behind the pack. By the third mile the pack begins to disperse. I am comfortably holding my pace and toward the front of the pack. Amazingly my body is working with me. I had serious concerns from the day prior and how I felt after yesterdays marathon. I made sure to drink electrolytes and water at every recovery station and to fuel every 40 minutes. Approaching 4 miles in and we start our first hill which is a steady climb for close to 2 miles. Hill climbs are typically a strength of mine but I quickly felt my body and my mind struggle with the slightest bit of incline. My pace slowed but I held steady. After the first hill climb I can tell I am affected overall. I have very little reserves so I have no rebound or recovery. I am simply holding on.
My mind starts to Rolodex through all of my mistakes over the last three days. Then the Rolodex covers the training for the event, all of my running, and while I was at it all of my mistakes ever. My mind was on a mission of sabotage. What better time than now when I am struggling to complete Marathon 3 of 3. Why wouldn’t I take this opportunity to beat the living shit out of myself and that is when I said no more. This is no time to beat yourself up. That is the old well worn path that keeps you stagnant, that keeps you from growing, that keeps you in an illusion of safety. It is time to shed this layer of self destruction and start to practice compassion for yourself. My mind quieted for the time being. I continued on to the next hill climb. This hill climb would take me to the half way point of the Marathon and then I would have a steep run downhill back to level ground to the finish. Slow and steady I made the climb. The view from the top was breathtaking literally and figuratively.
From this point in the run until the end there were large signs at each mile counting down how many miles we had to go to the finish line. Now onto the decent. The hill was steep, long and extremely curvy. Every step was agony on my joints and my fatigued muscles. All of the runners I passed on the climb were now passing me on the decent. I had to brace myself with every foot fall for the concussion and the pain but I had no other option. Of course there were other options but I was not open to any other options. The first sign appeared with the number 12. One mile of downhill had never felt so long. My ego started to chastise me again. My response to my ego were the following mantras. Carry on. One step at a time. Run the mile you are in.
After the downhill portion and a few mile markers later I was at number 8. The course was relatively flat as was my mood. I could not change the slower pace my body had grown accustomed to. I slogged along. I prayed a lot. I was grateful for the small distractions along the trail. Trees that stood out for their size or shape. The random chipmunk or squirrel that would dart past. Occasionally a bird, a random duck and a flock of geese. My mind would momentarily think about these distractions but quickly return to the pain my body felt and the doubts I felt about this enormous goal. Number 4. Mind over matter is repeated over and over in my head. Struggling with fatigue and pain I know that I will finish. The concern of placement was left back on the two hill climbs. The concern of meeting a desired time was left with every foot fall down the hills. The concern with finishing seemed achievable each time I saw a sign with one less mile to go. Then my right knee gave out. I tried adjusting my stride to see if my knee would agree to a different landing. That made no difference. I tried placing most of the weight on my left leg and lightly pushing off my right leg. My knee did not agree with any adjustment. 74 miles and my knee had enough. I slowed my pace even more and propelled forward ever so slowly at a shuffle.
Then I heard a heavy bear like breathing approaching me from behind. It was Frank. Frank who I thought was suffering on the first day, in the first marathon and on the first hill was now gaining on my snail like speed. Now next to me with his thick British accent he asked “Jesse are you OK?” My reply was simple and straight forward. “No. All of my reserves are gone and I am hurt.” There is nothing one can say at that point, place and time to change anything and yet Frank was able to make a difference that would not only help me in that moment but help me with a perspective on life. Frank replied “Then we walk together to the next recovery station.” Please recall that the two days prior when passing Frank I never took notice in how he was doing. I simply ran past while we had brief banter with one another. I do not know why Frank runs or what Frank runs for but in that moment when he showed compassion for me he allowed me to show compassion for myself. When he showed up and showed kindness and humbleness I was overwhelmed with gratitude. When I returned home I had a client that asked about the experience and when I told her about the third marathon and the struggles I had with my thoughts she replied “oh that is fuck it up Frank that lives in your head.” I replied “Funny you say that because it was Frank who got me out of my head quite literally.”
Every run is different for my body, mind and spirit. This run was going to challenge all three at different times and at the same time. Ultimately this run was about my spirit.
Why are you running three marathons? This has been the most common question I have been asked over the last year since I set my intentions on running the Tahoe Triple. I have asked myself on multiple occasions why I felt the need to run three Marathons as well.
From where are you running? Is it your head? Your ego? Your pride? What are you trying to conquer?What are you trying to overcome? What are you trying to prove? Or are you running from your heart? I pondered these questions all through my training on the hard days and on the great days. I pondered these questions throughout all three races. I continued to ponder these questions after completing the Tahoe Triple.
If I could sum it up into a neat and tidy answer I would but there in lies the difficulty and the beautiful intricacy of why I ran three marathons. At times I ran from my head, my ego and my pride. At times I ran from my heart, to evolve, to grow, to heal, to love, to show up for me and to show up for others. I ran to commit to myself. I ran to empower myself. I ran to show up for myself. I ran to fall in love with myself. I ran in the month of domestic violence awareness to raise awareness. I ran for my daughter, for my son and for myself. I ran for my past, my present and my future. I ran for the masculine. I ran for the feminine. I ran for the human race. I ran for all Beings. I ran for my body, my mind and my soul. I ran for all suffering and I ran for all freedom. I ran for pain and I ran for pleasure. I ran to find myself and I ran to lose myself. I ran to connect to the Universe.
I find that as I continue to evolve in this lifetime I am undefinable. To try to define why I ran would be as impossible as it is to define me as a whole. I did not run for a time. I did not run for a title. I did not run for a definition. In fact I ran to remain undefinable. Some things in this life cannot be defined and this was one of them.
